A Fifth Doctor short story by Clive May (clive@cj4386.demon.co.uk)
Dedicated to MLS.
Dr Who is copyright BBC.
Bob (the Pterodactyl) is copyright Clive May.
Pellucida (the Pelican) and Tuck (the Walrus) were created by MLS to whom the
copyright belongs.
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"Is the pterodactyl wearing sun glasses?" asked the Doctor, sipping his
tall, cool drink. He wriggled into a more comfortable position in the sun
lounger. Carefully setting down the drink, he propped his hat over his
eyes, and folded hands over his favourite MCC sweater.
Tegan, by dint of a great effort, dragged up her lower jaw from her knees.
The look she gave the Doctor held a deal of accusation. Alright! So you
saw some pretty odd things travelling with the Doctor - but a pterodactyl,
with wings painted in gay stripes, hiring out as a wind break on Brighton
Beach? Tegan felt certain this was not something to be blase about.
She shot an appeal to Nyssa, but the Traken girl had her nose in a book -
again!
"When is a door not a door?" Nyssa recited from the bumper joke book.
"When it's a-jar!" She giggled at the infantile joke and began to tell
herself another. "Did you hear about the horse that turned into a field?"
Tegan made a disgusted sound in her throat and looked round for Adric. The
boy was having a great time, helping some kids build a sand castle. At
least, he seemed to be acting normally - not that she cared to ally herself
with him. In which case, there was nothing for it but to sneak another
look.
Tegan looked.
It was still there; and it had been joined by a pelican with a huge beach
bag in luminous chartreuse and pink. The white bird was fishing out raw
fishes from the bag with its beak, tossing them into the air, and
swallowing them whole.
"Doctor?..."
"Hmmmm?" the Doctor inquired absently. Of a sudden he burst into an
animated clapping. "Oh! I say! Fine shot sir!"
"Eh? Doctor?"
"Hmmm?"
"Eh - It's not wearing sunglasses."
"Well. That's alright then," the Doctor assured her.
Tegan picked up the red toy spade, and consoled herself with visions of
hacking the Doctor to pieces with it - just to relieve her feelings a
little - see how calmly he took that!
"Doctor?"
"Hmmm?"
"Why is it alright that it's not wearing sunglasses?"
The Doctor tipped up his hat, peered up at her with his blue eyes. There
was just a hint of exasperation in his gaze.
"Really, Tegan," he said at last. "If he's not wearing
sunglasses, it means he's given his creditors the slip."
In a very tight, controlled voice, tegan said: "Doctor. In a moment, I'm
going to get up and find a nice big rock."
"That's nice. I always said you should take an interest in something.
Geology will be a start."
"And then," Tegan went on. "I'm going to smash it down on your head."
"Really! Tegan! Will you never learn that violence never settles
anything?"
"Tell that to the city fathers of Carthage," Tegan bit back with heavy
sarcasm.
A sudden yell from Adric brought her head snapping around. A huge walrus
had just blundered through the sand castle party, wrecking hours of
industry by the children.
"Doctor?..."
The Doctor sighed. "His name is Tuck - and I think it's the pas-a-double,"
he opined.
Tegan selected a rock with care.
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The Doctor had been suspicious for some time now. It did not worry him
over much that the square leg umpire appeared, in all likelihood, to be a
palm tree - a splendid specimen of the genus...
The Warwick Road End crowd roared as another towering straight six sailed
majestically clear of the boundary. The Doctor clapped half heartedly;
this marvelous exhibition of batting just did not seem reasonable - what
with it being England in bat and all...
At that exact moment, further proof of the strangeness of matters made
itself known to him, in the form of clammy melon juice running from his
hat. Squishy lumps of melon flesh slid down his cheeks. He lifted a
finger, touched it to the mess, and tasted.
Yes! Definitely melon.
The absurdity of it all compromised his guileless acceptance of matters,
upsetting his carefully cultivated peace of mind. The sunny scene of Lords
Cricket Ground blurred and shifted into a crowded beach. Standing over
him, clutching the crushed remains of the melon from the picnic hamper, was
a wild-eyed Tegan. She was lifting and lowering her arms in a slow motion
parody of smashing in his head.
He leapt up from the sun lounger. "Tegan! What are you doing?"
Tegan stopped abruptly. She blinked, looked at the mess in her hands. A
look of puzzlement crossed her face. Slowly, she lowered her arms. For a
long moment, she stared mystified at the Doctor. Then she stole a furtive
glance at a gayly coloured windbreak a few yards off. Propped beside it
was a large beach bag under a sun shade. The look of puzzlement deepened.
But there was worse - the walrus had turned into a fat drunken slob
who was just now having a spirited argument with Adric.
In hope that she was *not* mad, and in search of explanation, Tegan turned
back to the Doctor. He stood several yards away, peering at a notice board
which seemed to have a completely nonsensical message printed on it in
capital letters.
Tegan wiped her hands on her skirt, and moved to stand behind him. In
fascination, she peered over his shoulder at the winged mermaid, hanging
in the air? The half fish half woman pushed a long braid of golden hair
from her face, and winked at Tegan.
"I'm going to scream," said Tegan in a tone so reasonable that it
was painful to hear. "I think I'll just scream now..." She drew in a
deep breath.
"Before you do, Tegan," the Doctor said, "would you tell me what this sign
says?'
"I think I'd just rather scream..."
"It is rather important," the Doctor insisted. "If you tell me what you
are seeing, then I just might be able to save the Earth from invasion by
the Sagassum."
Tegan knew when she was beaten. "It's a mermaid," she answered "Its a
bloody winged mermaid - and - it winked at me. Now can I scream?"
"By all means."
There was a blood curdling scream; but it did not come from Tegan. In
fact, the scream came from Adric.
They spun to see the boy shove the fat slob aside. He raised on high
the toy spade and raced to the water's edge. The water was frothing and
foaming madly. Rising out of the white water were the shapes of a hundred
giant heavily armoured crabs. On the broad carapace of each was a clump of
red seaweed, waving tendrils furiously in the air, urging their clacking
mounts up the beach.
Adric screamed again and leapt to the attack.
Fearlessly, he waded into the ranks of the sea born cavalry, laying about
him to left and right, wreaking a fearsome carnage with the toy spade.
The beach was in instant uproar. Men shouted and ran about in panic,
women screamed and grabbed children, beach paraphernalia was
scattered in the panicky dash from the beach.
Tegan decided that no matter what the Doctor thought, she would be
perfectly justified in screaming now.
"It's the Punch and Judy," yelled Nyssa as she pelted past Tegan and
hurled the book at the gayly striped booth.
"I think you're right!" the Doctor agreed and plunged off after the
Traken girl. As they neared the booth, the sound of a TARDIS engines rose
over the pandemonium on Brighton Beach. The booth faded from view. The
Doctor and Nyssa pounded up to stand staring at the square depression left
in the sand. The two glanced at each other significantly. "You don't
suppose it's another translation artifact?" asked Nyssa.
The Doctor straightened and peered round. Down by the water line the limping
remnants of the Sagassum seaweed elite mounted storm troopers were
withdrawing in some disorder before Adric's spirited onslaught.
The Doctor shook his head. "I shouldn't think so. I think the invasion's
off for the time being. Now that they've lost the element of surprise."
In a dangerously reasonable and quiet tone, Tegan said: "Doctor? Doctor?
I want you to explain all this to me in nice simple sentences. And, I
promise that I am going to do something very nasty with this spade,
something that we will both regret, if you fail to make me understand..."
"That's exactly the point, it's all about understanding..."
"Right!" exclaimed Tegan. She took a firmer grip on the spade handle.
"That does it!"
"Wait!" cried the Doctor, taking a hasty step back.
Tegan paused, her expression expectant, the spade held ready. "Well?'
"It was the Master's doing," the Doctor began his explanation. "I think
he must have been tampering with the TARDIS interpretation circuits - you
know? that facility that allows us to understand and be understood wherever
we go in the universe?"
"I see," said Tegan in a voice that said she did not. "Why would he do
that?"
The Doctor pointed down the beach. At the water's edge Adric stood with his
feet in the waves brandishing the spade and yelling at the now submerged
invasion force.
"To create confusion in our minds, so that the invasion force of the
Sagassum could gain a bridge-head on the land."
"I'm not convinced," Tegan warned. "Why would he try to sabotage the
language interpretation circuits?"
"Because it would be the easiest way of creating utter
confusion in our minds."
"And?..." Tegan waggled the toy spade as a reminder.
"Well. Language is a very species specific activity. Even here on earth
the different languages of all the differing life forms are so far removed
the one from the other, that only a partial interpretation can ever be
managed. Not all language, in fact hardly any language at all is a series
of sound waves in the air. Some species use light, some use chemical
ferremones, some use body posture - for each species there is a unique way
of communicating. To over come this difficulty, the TARDIS has a facility
that transcends the form of the language and simply redrafts reality in the
vicinity of its occupants so that some meaningful communication can take
place. When things are that difficult on a single planet - imagine
when you go to another world. Eh? Not too complicated is it?"
"Not yet," admitted Tegan. However, she chose not to stand the weapon
down. A horrible suspicion was forming in her mind.
"Do you mean that, when we land on an alien planet, we're seeing
some fantasy the TARDIS has cooked up because it can't find any other way
of translating? That it's not really real?"
The Doctor was not certain how he should answer this, being mindful of
the proximity of the spade to his nose. He decided on frankness.
"Exactly. Though, I would take issue with you about it being unreal."
"I see," said Tegan. "You've made it all very clear; but I think i'm going
to do that nasty thing anyway...Who wants to be first?" She hefted the
spade.
The Doctor and Nyssa ran for their lives.
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The end.
Fifth Doctor Index Page.